“Blind to love?”
Hi ladies,
I have a long story about something that happened at work; but I’ll try to summarize for you. I think I may have hurt one of my co-workers, even though it was unintentional.
She had flirted with me and had shown an interest a few months ago. I’ve liked her since then, but I never reciprocated. I didn’t know if she was serious. I’ve had women play me like that and so I’m very defensive and wary these days.
She wasn’t playing me. I was told by co-workers that she would always talk about me and that she said I was the one. However, I never knew this, so I hardly talked to her. She and everyone else thought I was purposely ignoring her and blowing her off. I was not. I did not know her feelings for me. Maybe she’s shy, as I am, at times, but she did not come around and let me know how she felt. It’s as if I was to go to her. But you see, I did not know her feelings.
She did a few things to try to get my attention, but I was still oblivious to her feelings. Co-workers were giving me dirty looks and treating me like real shit because I did not talk much to her. But I was not ignoring her on purpose. I did not know it was so important to her that I talk to her.
She waited for me in the break room one day. I didn’t know she was there waiting on me. I said hey, what’s up and left for lunch. She was reading a book, so I left her alone. I was told that I blew her off. But as I said, I did not know her feelings at this time and I was not blowing her off on purpose!
So the other day, after finally knowing what is going on, I asked her if I could join her on lunch. I did join her, but she would hardly speak to me and kept leaving the room. When she came back she acted like she was sick and would not say anything to me. I didn’t know what to do or say.
Most of my co-workers are now treating me like shit. One supervisor even told me she hates me! But as I said, I did not know this person’s feelings for me. I did not hurt or avoid her on purpose.
What should I do from this point on? Should I tell the girl I’m sorry, or what?
-“Blind to love?”
The Lesbian Responds:
Hello Blind to Love,
Okay seriously your co-workers are just ravenous for drama! Christine worded it very politely but I’m afraid over here on my end I can’t afford that luxury. I’m just appalled with the behavior of the people you work with. I don’t see any evidence that you have done anything wrong.
Here’s my take on the situation. It sounds like the two of you are very shy. I have to ask, do you even like her? Or are you being guilted into a situation by your very opinionated co-workers? If you like her I would suggest asking her to hang out with you outside of work since there seems to be a web of drama that would make just about anyone uncomfortable. Getting her outside of work might just be the breath of fresh air you both need to start anew so to speak and just get a chance to talk to one another.
I have to say there is a real lack of communication here. It’s understandable being as the both of you have eyes of judgment coming from all directions. I can’t imagine what has to be going through the mind of someone who would “hate” you for not approaching a woman the way they would want you to. At this point I think it’s fair to mark their opinions and comments as officially void…of reason.
You don’t have to do anything, you don’t have to go up to her and talk to her just because you heard through the grapevine that she likes you. Funny thing about free will, it’s applicable even in the workplace.
I wish you luck with this young lady if you are interested. If not I think it may be good to pull her aside and just have a reasonable talk outside of your work environment. You don’t even have to mention anything that has been going on at work. Just chat it up and see what comes of it.
Have fun! And tell the people you work with I said to please get a life.
-Chantelle
The Lutheran Responds:
Dear Blind,
Let me get this straight: We’re talking about a woman who, in your opinion, flirted with you a few months ago, hasn’t shown any interest since and the apparent matchmakers you work with have been making you feel guilty since. Does this paint a clearer more rational picture for you? I don’t mean to intentionally discredit the validity of your co-workers opinions, but I have two distinct opinions about your situation.
One is that based on my experience in the workplace (9-5, retail and otherwise) is that people have a natural tendency to look for drama – some kind of excitement to make the work day go by. I once watched an entire office full of people stand at the window of the break room watching a dark cloud outside speculating first that it may be a bad thunderstorm, then that it may be bad enough to knock out power so they could go home. By time that group of office workers left the break room ten minutes later, that innocent dark cloud was rumored to be a sign of a natural disaster rivaling the movie “The Day After Tomorrow.”
I’ve seen cat fights for the sake of cat fights, rumors for something to do and gossip created for nothing more than self-glory and entertainment. And we wonder why America is lagging behind in productivity?
I know it can’t possibly just be the places I’ve worked because I have worked in every industry under the sun in five different states on two coasts. It is statistically improbably that these things just happen in places where I’ve worked. My point is – people are generally bored at work and have nothing better to do than create drama. It’s as if these people have no life outside of work so they need to create all the elements of the real world within their cubicle walls (so to speak).
I’m sorry if this sounds unnecessarily harsh, but this is what I have seen in the American workplace and honestly it’s very depressing and irritating to me. My solution for staying out of the little snow globes of drama that people create at work (which I’m not even sure they’re aware that they’re manufacturing out of thin air) was – well – to work! I literally kept my head down, nose to the grindstone and worked my butt off. One major advantage of this was that I ended up doing a great job, developing an amazing work ethic that built the foundation for my work today as a writer (believe me when you work from home in loungewear a work ethic is vital). The other advantage is that I had always had a really good excuse for not being in the middle of the fun and games in the corporate sandbox, taking sides, etc. If I was always busy, nobody could accuse me of being involved. It sounds to me like your co-workers are working very hard to put you in the middle of the little romantic comedy they’ve been cooking up. My advice: “Sorry, I haven’t really noticed; I’ve been really busy.” I’m all for employee camaraderie, but when it goes to these lengths where you feel the need to apologize to people for doing nothing and there are things happening that seem completely bizarre to you – well, can you say “crazy family reunion gone awry?”.
My second thought about your situation is, if we are expected to be psychic about who likes us, who doesn’t and what we’re supposed to do about it, mating as we know it on this planet will become extinct. If you actually like this girl, forget about all the “drama” created by your co-worker matchmakers and ask her out. It’s very simple. Men used to do it in the olden days. I’m not so naïve to think that baggage from past relationships, being burned when asking girls out and new fangled sexual harassment lawsuits aren’t immediately popping into your mind when I dare even suggest asking the girl out. My “HR” advice for handling this is to be very respectful and very discreet. If you do happen to ever engage in an actual conversation with this girl and you’re feeling like it’s going well, I’m not sure how “would you like to go out for coffee sometimes” would be considered harassment. She’ll either say yes or no.
My personal feeling is that there are too many women who have terrified men at the mere thought of a simple, old-fashioned gesture. When did “would you like to go out sometime” become a feminist call to arms? I would love it if you would just follow your heart and take the lead here for all of mankind, for the remaining old-fashioned girls like me who don’t think that a man asking them out (gasp!) is the equivalent of assault and battery.
And if you’re not “feeling the love” when you do talk to this girl, let it drop, put your nose back to the grindstone and remember that the workplace is not supposed to be a singles bar or family reunion from hell. You are under no obligation to share the details of your personal life with the people you work with and they have no business manufacturing those details for you.
Best of luck,
Christine
December 12, 2007 
